Keeping Intimacy Sacred

When it comes to marital intimacy, a lot of people get anxious just thinking about it. There's huge pressure to be as sexy and confident as the media often portrays. I was always taught that sexual intercourse is something sacred and beautiful that two people figure out together as they come to know each other on a deeper level. That doesn't mean that I have any less anxiety thinking about my future wedding night. 

The good news is, anxiety is normal. Of course it's scary! It is a gift that many people take for granted. Despite what movies and other media might try to say, that gift is not something that needs to be unwrapped at a certain speed or in a certain way. It is something for both spouses to unwrap and figure out in their own time. Things can be discussed and boundaries can be (and should be) established. 

Sexual intercourse can bring two people together. It is practice for the rest of their marriage. How a couple goes about their most intimate relations reflects everything else they do together. It reflects their patience, respect, humor, sensitivity, and awareness of each other. Each of those attributes must be had in order for sexual intercourse to be as healthy and satisfying as possible. 

One thing to note is that often women want to feel safe, warm, and close before having sexual intercourse, while men feel safe, warm, and close because of sexual intercourse. It is important to communicate, set boundaries, and understand that there are significant differences, like this safe-warm-close cycle, between men, women, and sex. While each spouse should be conscientious of and accommodating to the other, it's important that no unwanted sex happens. Unwanted sex decreases satisfaction in marriage, so it's important to make sure both partners want it.

Another thing to note is how media can influence a couple's intimacy. Media portrays perfect celebrities and characters, and it's easy to find your spouse lacking when you compare them to these perfect people. Media also contains subtle pornography. Pornography doesn't have to be extreme to affect your attachment to your spouse. Any book, movie, or game that decreases your attachment to your spouse can be considered pornography and something to be stopped. 

Many people have anxiety thinking about marital intimacy because of potential infidelity. One way to protect against infidelity is to draw the line very far away from the cliff. It means getting rid of or limiting anything that could possibly lead to infidelity -- including media, family, friends, etc. 

Family and friends don't need to be cut off the second you get married. Rather, important boundaries need to be placed in order to protect both husband and wife from getting overly attached (which can lead to infidelity) to other people. The RAM model applies to everyone, not just your spouse. You can get attached to a person by knowing, trusting, relying, committing, and touching them. Situations can arise at work, church, and even within a family where a spouse is relying on or trusting a person that isn't their spouse. That will increase their attachment and the likelihood of infidelity. Boundaries and communication are vital.

The most important thing when building protection against infidelity is to always prioritize your relationship with your spouse first. Tell them about your day, your needs, your wants, and your struggles first. That doesn't mean you can't get advice or comfort from other loved ones, but never neglect the emotional connection with your spouse. 

None of these principles are too late to implement. All of these principles can and should be taught to children. We live in a culture that teaches the anatomy of sex and how to have safe sex, which normalizes recreational sex. When schools send home permission slips for the birds and the bees video, take the opportunity to teach your children the sacredness of sex and how it affects the spirit. They will be far less likely to experiment on their own if they feel that they can talk to you about such sacred things. 

Sex is thrown in our faces as an opportunity for humor or a good time. Sexual intercourse should be treated with respect and reverence rather than humor and casualness. If we could teach our kids to treat sex as the sacred intimate act it is, marriages and children could be saved.