Dating Culture

Dating culture has changed drastically in the last twenty years. Twenty years ago, if a guy wanted to get to know a girl, he would ask her on a date. It was culturally acceptable to be "dating" -- going on lots of dates -- before marriage. Boys and girls didn't hang out, which made dating more frequent and casual, and less pressured. This kind of dating sets up couples to follow the steps to marriage: dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. An interesting thing to note is that traditionally, during courtship, couples continued to go on dates after they were dating, rather than spending an excessive amount of time together with no healthy boundaries established.  

Nowadays, dating culture looks a lot more like hanging out between people until a girl or a guy decide they like each other. Once they realize they like each other, they hone in on dating each other, date, and if they break up, it often turns into hating each other. This culture creates fewer, high-pressure dates that often lead to hook ups.  It dilutes the steps to marriage so that couples slide into marriage without the education and good habits that proper dating provides. A lot of this culture is reflected in romance books and movies as well. 

"The Family: A Proclamation to the World" explains that a father's role is to preside, provide, and protect his wife and family while a mother's role is to nurture and teach. In an address to the youth, President Dallin H. Oaks defines a date as planned, paired off, and paid for. 

When a person goes on lots of dates rather than just hanging out with a person of the opposite sex, they are able to practice their role in the family and find someone who satisfactorily fulfills their role in the family as well. Men are able to practice presiding by planning the date, providing by planning and paying for the date, and protecting by pairing off on the date. Women are able to practice nurturing by teaching their date how to better preside, provide, and protect. Both are able to see what works for them.

Another thing that the traditional steps to marriage assist with (dating, courtship, engagement, marriage) is following the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). The RAM model shows five different ways that we can form attachments with people: knowledge, trust, reliance, commitment, and touch. Essentially, the more you know, trust, rely, commit, or touch someone, the more attached you get to them. 

This is true with any relationships, but especially romantic ones. The healthiest way to pursue a romantic attachment is to never trust someone more than you know them, never rely on someone more than you trust them, never commit to someone more than you rely on them, and most importantly -- never touch someone more than you are committed to them. 

Touch is extremely powerful when attachment is concerned. It is so important to keep this lower than every other form of attachment in the RAM model. This is another reason traditional "dating" (versus hanging out) is a much healthier way to form romantic attachments. It allows both parties the chance to get to know, trust, rely, and commit to each other before any serious level of touch.  

While most of these insights into dating culture are applicable to those who are looking for a marriage partner, it's not too late to apply these principles if you are already married. It's important to continue to date your spouse after marriage to improve the established attachment by knowing, trusting, relying, commiting, and touching each other. Often a marriage can be saved by good dating habits that are continued or bad dating habits that are improved after marriage.

While we can't change the dating culture all at once, we can start by improving our dating habits and teaching our children healthy dating habits. 

Link to RAM model: https://sagerelationshipadvice.com/summary-of-how-to-avoid-falling-in-love-with-a-jerk/