Gender Studies

Men and women are born with certain tendencies. Not all men or all women are born with every single tendency that fits their stereotype, but more often than not they exhibit certain tendencies at a very young age. Studies show that boys typically have a quick startle response, exhibit aggressive behavior, are more competitive, have better spatial orientation, are more physically strong, and tend to be protective. Studies show that as babies, girls tend to look at faces more, move their mouth to form words, and as they grow older, they exhibit more interest in social interactions, they are relationship and detail-oriented, more nurturing, they tend to think out loud, and they are better at reading body language. 

These tendencies fit gender roles across many different cultures. In the past, they were expected and unchallenged differences between men and women that brought different -- but important -- strengths to marriages, parenthood, and other relationships. 

In recent years, there have been feminist and LGBTQ+ movements that have changed how many people view gender. Many questions have been raised about gender, gender origin, and the gender spectrum. 

So why or how does someone become gay? Are they born with it? Do they choose it? 

Our understanding of why and how can help us, as parents, respond respectfully, lovingly, and factually to questions from our children regarding this politically charged topic. 

As with much of sociology, there are only theories, but these theories are very enlightening. Currently, the political, accepted theory is that those who are gay are born that way. A study was done to investigate the claims that gay individuals were born that way. They gathered data on twins where at least one of them was gay. Their theory was that if genes were the cause of homosexuality, then both twins would be gay. They found that when one twin was gay, the other was also gay only 11% of the time -- not enough time to claim causation. 

Another theory is that becoming gay is a result of trauma and reactive experimentation. Studies show a correlation between those who are gay and those who were sexually abused, exposed to pornography, or have unhealthy relationships with their parents. That correlation is not one to one, so clearly, becoming gay is not an inevitable result of these types of trauma. It happens, yes, but often those who are molested or addicted to pornography equate the foreign feelings that arise to homosexuality. 

Some people theorize that gender is a choice. It's something that can be explored or learned. Learned behavior is proven -- what we practice is what we get good at. When we engage in a behavior enough times, even in our head, that behavior becomes automatic. While it's possible to relearn that behavior, that behavior would need to be replaced with something else. 

Another theory comes from Dr. Bem, "Erotic to Exotic." He theorizes that there are a variety of biological variables that make a man more feminine or a female more masculine. Those variables affect their childhood temperaments and eventually, their sex-typical/atypical activities and preferences -- how they play, who they play with, and how accepted they are by their peers and family. If they feel different from their same-sex peers, then they feel a nonspecific autonomic arousal towards their same-sex peers, which leads to romantic attraction to their same-sex peers. 

This theory adds many of these different theories together. While there is no one obvious cause for homosexuality, the answer is the same: love. Whether a family member, a friend, or even a child "come out," the answer is love. Even before they "come out" -- love.

Many parents might fear that something they do causes the kind of trauma that might lead to a child identifying as gay. Parents, I am sure that you do your best. Based on these theories, however, there are a few things that can be done to help children find their identity. Help them form close bonds with those of their same gender -- provide playmates for them, and if there are none available, then be the playmate that helps them explore their gender role. 

Establish healthy boundaries with your child. Accept them for who they are no matter the masculine/feminine tendencies that they exhibit. Be careful what media is brought into the home. If a child is looking to explain a feeling, media will often provide the answer. Be available and willing to answer their difficult questions. And love, love, love and respect them. 

But, I don't need to tell you that, right? 

Males and females each have different, unique strengths. It would be a shame for anyone to disqualify a man that is more sensitive or detail-oriented or a woman that is more strong and protective. Those attributes are desirable across the entire gender spectrum.