Effective Communication

The classic plot of any typical romance story involves some form of miscommunication. That miscommunication comes from either the antagonist spreading lies or some other misunderstanding between the main couple. While we can laugh at this cliche or yell at the characters to actually communicate with each other, communication is a huge part of any relationship. How do we communicate effectively? How do we come to decisions together? 

Communication starts with one individual having a thought. They then need to encode that thought and determine the medium through which they will express it. The receiver then needs to decode what was communicated into what they think was meant. There is a lot of room for error and miscommunication in this model. 

The only way to know if the receiver received the message correctly is to reverse the process. The receiver takes their understanding of the initial communication, encodes it, and picks a medium through which to express it. The initial communicator can then decode the message to check if it matches the initial thought or message. Any errors or miscommunications can then be rectified. If two people do not check that the message was correctly received, they will never know there was a miscommunication.

About 14 percent of a message communicated comes from words, 35 percent comes from tone, and 51 percent comes from nonverbal communication. Many misunderstandings, arguments, and offenses can come from a person's tone and nonverbal cues. 

Dr. David Burns published a book called Feeling Good, in which he described the five secrets of effective communication. The first step, he said, was the disarming technique. One would put themselves in another person's shoes and find some truth in what they are saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair. That would immediately lower any defenses that were raised by an offense, argument, or misunderstanding. 

The second step, he said, was empathy. One would try to see the world through the other's eyes, paraphrase what they said, and acknowledge how they are probably feeling. The third step was to gently inquire if that was correct and inquire about any other thoughts or feelings the person might have. 

The fourth step was assertiveness, in which a person would use "I feel" statements to tactfully describe how they are feeling. "Assertiveness" doesn't imply aggressiveness. This step is a way to establish healthy boundaries and, through each other's vulnerability, come closer together. I feel statements might look something like this: When [this specific event occurred], I felt [this emotion] because [I thought this or that]. I would like [this to happen instead or from now on]. 

The important part about assertiveness, "I feel" statements, or correcting people in general, is the precision with which they are corrected. Doctrine and Covenants 121:43 says, "Reproving betimes with sharpness... and then, showing forth afterwards an increase of love." Sharpness, in this verse, indicates precision and exactness, not sharpness of tongue. Specific, constructive feedback is infinitely more helpful than vague character assessments that are impossible to improve upon. 

And finally, the fifth step David Burns talked about was respect, in which the first person would find something genuinely positive to say.

Another thing to note is the importance of councils within the family. Having family councils, marriage councils, and parent-child councils, can improve relationships and communication. Often these councils will discuss things together and make decisions together. Councils do not work if the members of the council are seeking a compromise. A compromise means one person gets their way and can inhibit the unity of the relationship. Rather, councils should seek a consensus, in which all parties unanimously agree on one decision. 

Councils within the family -- especially spouses -- are more effective when we include God. A good council between spouses will discuss what God's will is for them and their family and pray to know if the conclusion they come to is truly God's will. Then, if the couple has the faith to act on their answer, they will receive an answer and have more confidence in each other, God, and the decision they made.

These methods of effective communication are unnatural. It requires humility and courage from both parties. Most people are not levelheaded when it comes to conflict, but when dealing with the emotions that so often influence communication, it's valuable to be able to be levelheaded by using Burns' five secrets. It helps us understand people, and it helps them understand us. And when it comes to marital, familial, or even work relationships, being understood is like breathing.