Coping Under Crises

No one can predict where life will take them. Even if they think their future family will be perfect, that perception is unreasonable and can be catastrophic. Inevitably, there will be crises and stressors that lead imperfect people to do imperfect things. The most important way to prepare for these life-changing events is to plan a healthy coping strategy for when they do come.

Throughout life, there will be many stressor events. Stressor events are things like divorce, drugs, moving, the death of a family member, losing a job, gaining a stepparent, major illnesses, etc. Anything that puts stress, or anxiety, on individuals and families, can be considered a stressor event. Unless something is done to keep a family together during or after these stressor events, they tend to naturally fall apart. 

A family crisis is a state of emergency, where the family situation is going to change from what it was before. These crises often stem from stressor events. Not all crises need to end negatively. While there is the danger that a family won't recover from the crisis, there is a huge opportunity for them to grow closer together. It all depends on how they cope with the stressor and the resulting crisis.

Coping is often thought of and defined as just getting by. However, coping is actually a word used to describe the edge of a swimming pool that juts out above the water and protects the cement from any erosion that can occur at the top of the water. The coping must be crafted correctly for the pool to be safe. When it is created correctly, then it keeps the water from splashing out, it gives swimmers a ledge to hold on to, and it provides protection and safety. This same idea of coping, in terms of swimming pools, applies to our family structures and boundaries. 

A healthy family structure includes a husband and wife clearly established as the executive branch of the family and however many children as a subset of that branch. None of the children are favored, and none of them are unhealthily close to either or both parents. The family is a separate structure from other families or extended families. Proper coping responses keep the mother and father close together and the children close to each other and their parents. They are strengthened as a family unit, rather than putting up walls and drifting apart.

Common and generally unhealthy coping responses include distraction, avoidance, scapegoating, denial, complaining, escape, and trying to fix an inaccurately perceived problem (i.e., assuming the problem is due to a lack of finances and deciding to work longer hours to fix the problem when the actual problem is miscommunication).

Healthy coping responses include: maintaining the family routine, facing the problem head-on, finding support with each other (rather than taking problems to other friends/family members), expressions of love, affirmations of worth, reframing the situation, finding and using available resources, and going on frequent dates as a couple.

The most important coping response is reframing the situation. Growing up, my grandpa taught me that life is a mind game. What he meant by that is that there are a lot of things we can't control, but we can control what goes on in our mind -- our thoughts. And if we can control our thoughts, we can win the mind game and succeed in life. 

That idea applies to reframing the situation. If we can change our perspective and how we perceive a situation, we will be better equipped to deal with the situation. Often how a family defines the situation will determine how or if they make it through the situation and whether or not they improve. Most people would say that certain events cause our emotions and subsequent behavior, but it's actually the way we think about certain events that cause and reinforce our emotions and behavior. 

Crises can happen on an individual level as well. Anxiety is a normal, natural response to a perception of danger. The frontal lobe (the section of the brain that runs logic and decision-making) is overtaken by the limbic system (autopilot mode of the brain), which sends messages to different parts of the body regarding heart rate, blood pressure, circadian rhythm, digestion, etc., in response to danger. 

The brain is just an organ that doesn't know the difference between real danger and perceived danger. The body is designed to react to any perceived danger. If we can change our perception of crises, stressors, and other events, we will be able to control our reactions and turn crises into opportunities for our families to come closer together.