Retaining Happily Ever After

What happens after dating? Happily ever after? Romance novels have certainly convinced us that the minute we share that first kiss or say "I do," our problems will be washed away forever. Unfortunately, reality doesn't have nearly as many peaches or cream. Marriage is full of adjustments and transitions that can sometimes wash the magic and romance away. Some of the major transitions in marriage include the engagement period, living together, parenthood, and becoming an empty nester. 

An engagement can establish patterns between a couple that predicts certain aspects of their marriage. A big part of an engagement party is planning a wedding. Traditionally, a bride plans the wedding with her mother or her maid of honor, with only occasional help from the groom. But what kind of pattern does this establish? Certainly not one of equal partnership. Planning a wedding is a key opportunity for a couple to practice making decisions together, budgeting, and strengthening their relationship. The honeymoon is a chance for two people to practice being a couple before returning to the community. 

The first month is a huge transition. Two very different people are now sharing a kitchen, a bedroom, and a bed. Inevitably, disagreements will come. These disagreements can include the temperature of the house, hanging out with friends, cooking meals, etc. They can be small or large, but the pattern of resolving conflict established in the early month of a marriage is what will last throughout a marriage. 

The first year includes many other transitions, but a big one is often having a child. Bringing a child into a home is a very special time, but data reports that overall marital satisfaction decreases every time a couple has a baby. This isn't to say that a couple all of the sudden love each other less. Often, it's a combination of added stress, lack of sleep, and less time together to communicate. The husband often perceives that his wife is spending more time with their child than him. The wife typically only has time to correct her husband rather than offering positive reinforcements. 

These "baby blues" can be avoided by including the husband in the nurturing process. Share the prenatal check ups, the ultra sound, and the baby's movements with him. Once the baby is born, don't neglect date night. Continue to communicate the positives rather than just pointing out the negatives. Wives, encourage your husband to be involved. Husbands, don't fail to involve yourselves in creating a beautiful, early connection with your unborn or newborn baby. There are so many sacred, beautiful experiences that happen with the raising of children, and when parental responsibilities are shared, husbands and wives can experience those together. They can come closer together because of their children.

Throughout each of these transitions, it is supremely important to continue to nurture the marital relationship. Love is a choice. It doesn't just happen or continue to grow accidentally. We can be intentional about increasing it. 

There are many different kinds of love, including love that is parental, passionate, charitable, and friendly. Many might say that marriage is only about the passionate love, but a full marriage experiences every kind of love, and each kind of love can be improved in a marriage. 

A high percentage of divorces happen after the first child, right as the oldest child is leaving the home, or after all of the children have left. If a couple is not fostering their relationship through the "baby blues," there will be no relationship left between them outside of their children. 

Marriage is wonderful and hard, but a couple is always stronger together.