Family Dynamics

Every family has its quirks. Some families have seating charts at the dinner table. Some families have assigned silverware. Some agree to not touch each other's stuff. Some families have rules about what toys they can or cannot play with. Some agree that weekends are meant for sleeping in. Some agree to no eating in the living room. 

Not all of these rules are explicitly stated, yet they are rules nonetheless. They influence a family's expectations and behavior. 

There are many theories that strive to describe this behavior. Some of those theories include the symbolic interaction theory, the exchange theory, and the family systems theory. While these are just theories, understanding them can improve a parent's communication with, subconscious teaching of, and relationship with those around them, especially their spouse and children. 

The symbolic interaction theory is that a person acts based on how they interpret someone else's behavior. For instance, say a husband interprets his wife's lack of greeting after work as a sign of her anger. He would either tiptoe around her until she calms down or he would confront her about it. In either case, he is interpreting her behavior as anger (when perhaps she is tired or has AirPods in) and reacting in accordance. 

All behavior -- words and actions -- send a message and that message can influence a relationship. When a person is more aware of what message their behavior sends, they are more able to control what message they are sending and aware enough to clarify the messages they are receiving.

The exchange theory is that a person in a relationship wants to keep their costs lower than their reward. For example, if a woman feels that she always makes time for her boyfriend, but he never makes time for her, she may feel that she is giving more to the relationship than she is receiving. 

An ideal, sustainable relationship, according to the exchange theory, means that both parties are equally exchanging and giving to each other and their relationship. Realizing that that is the case, a person can more clearly evaluate what kind of future relationship will be sustainable in the long run.

The most complex theory is the family systems theory. The family systems theory is that a system is more than the sum of its parts. Just like there are many parts and functions of a lighting system, there are many parts and functions within a family. Families have designated roles -- second mother, favorite child, helpful child, etc. Everyone has a part to play. 

Besides designated roles, there are subsystems -- mother and father, child and father/mother, child and child, etc. Everyone is placed in a role within a subsystem. When a person is placed under stress, they revert to their familiar role. 

Families have designated rules. Some are spoken and some are unspoken. Spoken rules are those that are explicitly stated and/or discussed within the family. Unspoken rules are those that are well established and never spoken -- no food in the living room, no touching other people's toys, no climbing into bed with mom and dad at night, etc. 

Some of those unspoken rules establish boundaries. Ideal boundaries establish the parents as the executives of the family, with a healthy, white picket fence boundary that allows free passage of opinions and love between parents and children. Genesis 2:24 says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." When it comes to boundaries, healthy and close are not always synonymous. 

Boundaries, rules, subsystems, and family roles are all controlled by the positive and negative feedback within the family. Positive feedback increases the likelihood of a behavior happening again and negative feedback decreases the likelihood. It typically occurs from the executive subsystem of the family -- ideally both parents -- but can occur from other subsystems. 

Observing these trends within one's own family sheds a lot of light on behaviors and roles that we take in other relationships and scenarios in our life. Careful observation and thought can help a person utilize positive and negative feedback to correct unhealthy boundaries and improper subsystems/roles. These are skills that must be learned and used to create healthier, happier families.